Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
