But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
