On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
