We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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