I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
