i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
