Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
