yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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