Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
