did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
