counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
