Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
