I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
