As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
