I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
