Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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