Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
