Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
