how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
