Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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