Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
