He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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