I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
