I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Are my feet made of real feet?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
