if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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