and she was petting her beer can
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
