This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He? As in you personified your dick?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
