I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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