I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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