His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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