i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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