My underwear smells like fireworks.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
