You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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