bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
