Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
