ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
