I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
