you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
