my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
