ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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