you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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