My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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