My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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