You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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