I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
