Just cropdusted the office
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
