i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
