Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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