i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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