nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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